Should I? Shouldn't I?

Chocolate orange pinwheels?  Yay or nay?  I don't know.
I recieved a lot of back issues of my favourite magazine, called Baked and Delicious.  It's basically a magazine full of recipes that you get every 2 weeks and get a free bit of bakeware (made out of silicone) and you collect them to form a recipe collection and bakeware set.  Anyway, I looked through them and one recipe stood out, the chocolate orange pinwheels.  I am really motivated to cook them.  I am hardly ever this motivated to do some baking, so I'm not sure if I should or shouldn't.  I mean, do I trust myself to cook them and not eat them?  My boyfriend will take them to work in the morning but can I stop myself until he gets home?

I think I'm going to buy the ingredients and then it's there.  Maybe I can make them when my boyfriend gets home.  So I have supervision, someone there to stop me eating.  I don't think I feel 'safe' enough to be alone with 30 biscuits.

But that's enough about the biscuits.  This is MY blog, not the BISCUIT blog.  I was down almost 2 pounds this morning, I'm now 227.2 lbs.  I was hoping for in the 228's but the 7 just made it extra special.  I did Zumba and it was so hard.  There was so much jumping around to do, not easy when you're this heavy.  But I did it.

I'm gearing up for a liquid fast on Wednesday.  My boyfriend is out of town with work all Wednesday and Thursday morning so I'm going to fast.  I've bought a 3 pack of chocolate soya milk carton drinks, each 150 calories each, so I'll be 450 calories on Wednesday, not that much less than normal.  I think I can do it.  I'm going to have unlimited water, diet coke and tea/coffee.

Ok, that's it for now, I'm off to buy some ingredients

A shade lighter and a small gain

As the title suggests, I had a small gain this morning when I weighed myself.  From 228.6 to 229 lbs so although it's probably not the end of the world, it certainly feels like it to me and I'm restricting even tighter today.  Also I'm doing something weird - I'm putting off my meals for as long as I can before I eat them.  For example, instead of eating breakfast within half an hour of getting up like normal, I waited for over an hour, just to test my mental strength.  The same went for lunch and will probably happen at dinner.

I feel disgusting though, I've drunk so much fizzy soda that I feel bloated and huge.  It's because I said I would cut down yesterday - every time I say that my intake of it goes through the roof.  I just feel huge and fat and wish I wasn't like this.

I'd be really happy to see 228 on the scale again tomorrow.  I have Zumba in the morning, so a loss will get me pumped up for that.  I have done some exercise today, because of the snow, me and the boyfriend walked to the local supermarket because the roads were closed.  I need to up my game though.

My hair turned out quite well, but I can't work the camera, so photos will have to wait.

Ah well, back to the constant anxiety over food and myself for the rest of the day then...
Ta-raa!

A bit of a hurdle and the way to get over it.

I didn't blog yesterday.  I was too angry/upset/distracted/whatever.  I should stop making excuses.

When I weighed in yesterday, I was 229.8 lbs, a gain of 0.6 lbs.  I was like "What the - ??!"  I hadn't binged, I had eaten everything I usually eat as part of my routine and I had done some exercise.  I had to fight so hard yesterday to keep myself going.  A binge was calling and sometimes it didn't feel like an if I binge, it almost made it to when I binge.  But with the help of my very supportive boyfriend, I didn't satify those urges and when I woke up this morning, I had achieved 7 full days with out bingeing or purging.

So I weighed in today, and I am now 228.6 lbs, one pound away from having lost a stone.  I can't see it though, I still think I look the same size.  My face looks a little thinner though, so that's something to focus on.  As long as I see the numbers going in the right direction, I will be happy.  I wish the scale didn't judge my day.

I am hoping to dye my hair today with the help of my boyfriend.  If it goes well, I'll post a pic....  If not... er well... I dunno!

Super happy

Oh  wow, oh wow, oh wow.  Finally, I have dropped into the 220's. I weighed in this morning at 229.2 lbs.  Still fat, but less fat.  I was so hungry going to bed last night that I nearly binged and it was freezing last night too.  I think it dropped down to -2 degrees Celcius.

I woke up at about 6 am because I was way too cold.  I sleep in a different bedroom to my boyfriend because a) he snores and b)he has to get up early, whereas I usually go to bed late.  The problem is that the bedroom I sleep in has 3 outside walls.  So, even with 2 duvets and 3 thick blankets, I was awake, shivering.  Maybe that's how I lost that 0.8 of a pound?  Luckily the heating had come on and my boyfriend has left so I snuck into his bedroom with a hot water bottle and tried to get back to sleep, which I did eventually.  I've moved into the third bedroom, which has just one outside wall, hopefully that will be warmer tonight.

I had to go to the community mental health centre today for my depot injection.  I take 300mg Zuclopenthixol Decanoate every 2 weeks as treatment for schizophrenia.  I also take anti depressants and sleeping tablets, but I get them from the pharmacy.  I really didn't want to go out and get it because I was so cold.  I had the heaters in the car up to full whack.

Today I had my first experience with Shiritaki noodles.  They are a little rubbery, but I could get used to them.  I had them with soy sauce and has a low calorie jelly after.  That snack filled me up quite nicely as I have to wait for the boyfriend to get home until I can have dinner.  He is ordering a take-away tonight so I'm going to really have to control myself so that I don't binge.  Tuna and peas for me!

After the ED assessment

After my counselling session, well, I don't know really.  The counsellor said it sounds like I have a bulimia-type disorder (he's an specialist in EDs), which I already sort of guessed.  But he also said my eating patterns are fairly common and that I'm certainly not alone.

He said also what I had found in that the NHS mental health teams aren't that good with eating disorders (sorry if you've had a good experience and I'm making it sound shit, but that's how I feel about it at the moment).

We've agreed to have a full session next week and I've been given a food diary to complete.  The best part is he said we can work on stopping the binge/purging but I can still carry on restricting so I don't have to give that up yet.  He said we can look at trying to increase the calories more when I feel comfortable.  He also said that the process could be painful emotionally and it won't be easy.

Bring it on, I guess....

so pissed off right now :(

Okay, so I weighed myself this morning (having not 'gone' if you see what I mean any time yesterday). 230.0 Two-thirty-fucking-pounds.  Exactly the same as yesterday.  I was so desperate to drop into the 220's.  I would have been happy with 0.1 loss but, No.  Didn't get it.  Bugger.

I did zumba this morning on an empty stomach after taking some diet pills, I'm hoping that will drop me into the 220's tomorrow.

Today at 2pm I have an appointment to have an eating disorder assessment with a trained specialist.  It will be interesting to see what his view is of my problems.  I'm not sure I want to totally recover, I'm not sure if I can.  I need to be thin again but I don't want to do it by bingeing and purging, I just want to restrict.

It is soooo cold right now.  It's about 0 degrees out, which is colder than it has been recently, but I think the drop in temperature will help me burn more calories at rest.  Because I'm shivering and my teeth are chattering.  I refuse to turn on the central heating.

Any way, I will blog later to chart how the assessment session goes.

I'm making a hat :)

It's been a hard day...  Well it was the first day that my boyfriend has been back at work after 3 days off.  I get lonely indoors on my own and try and go out as much as I can so I'm not in the house as much.  I haven't binged and I'm going to do some taekwondo later (1 hour and 30 minutes).

Weight: 230 lbs

So desperate to be in the 220's, so I'm hoping that tomorrow I will have lost 0.1 lb at least.  If not I will go crazy.  I don't care if I see 229.999999999999.... as long as I can!  I've set a rule for myself not to try any of my new clothes (or old clothes) until I'm 224 or less.

I've got my eating disorders assessment tomorrow at 2pm.  I don't know what to expect of that, I want help not to binge/purge but I still want to restrict and lose weight.  I don't know if I can achieve both minimising the b/p'ing while still restricting and losing the weight.

I've started a new project that has kept me busy today, I'm knitting a hat.  I'll post a picture of it when I have finished.  It's from a pattern in the very first knitting magazine that I bought, and I always go back to it because it has my favourite patterns in it that I make over and over again.

Zumba at 9:30 am tomorrow - I'm not having breakfast before hand, I will have it after.