Chocolate orange pinwheels? Yay or nay? I don't know.
I recieved a lot of back issues of my favourite magazine, called Baked and Delicious. It's basically a magazine full of recipes that you get every 2 weeks and get a free bit of bakeware (made out of silicone) and you collect them to form a recipe collection and bakeware set. Anyway, I looked through them and one recipe stood out, the chocolate orange pinwheels. I am really motivated to cook them. I am hardly ever this motivated to do some baking, so I'm not sure if I should or shouldn't. I mean, do I trust myself to cook them and not eat them? My boyfriend will take them to work in the morning but can I stop myself until he gets home?
I think I'm going to buy the ingredients and then it's there. Maybe I can make them when my boyfriend gets home. So I have supervision, someone there to stop me eating. I don't think I feel 'safe' enough to be alone with 30 biscuits.
But that's enough about the biscuits. This is MY blog, not the BISCUIT blog. I was down almost 2 pounds this morning, I'm now 227.2 lbs. I was hoping for in the 228's but the 7 just made it extra special. I did Zumba and it was so hard. There was so much jumping around to do, not easy when you're this heavy. But I did it.
I'm gearing up for a liquid fast on Wednesday. My boyfriend is out of town with work all Wednesday and Thursday morning so I'm going to fast. I've bought a 3 pack of chocolate soya milk carton drinks, each 150 calories each, so I'll be 450 calories on Wednesday, not that much less than normal. I think I can do it. I'm going to have unlimited water, diet coke and tea/coffee.
Ok, that's it for now, I'm off to buy some ingredients
Monday, 6 February 2012
Sunday, 5 February 2012
A shade lighter and a small gain
As the title suggests, I had a small gain this morning when I weighed myself. From 228.6 to 229 lbs so although it's probably not the end of the world, it certainly feels like it to me and I'm restricting even tighter today. Also I'm doing something weird - I'm putting off my meals for as long as I can before I eat them. For example, instead of eating breakfast within half an hour of getting up like normal, I waited for over an hour, just to test my mental strength. The same went for lunch and will probably happen at dinner.
I feel disgusting though, I've drunk so much fizzy soda that I feel bloated and huge. It's because I said I would cut down yesterday - every time I say that my intake of it goes through the roof. I just feel huge and fat and wish I wasn't like this.
I'd be really happy to see 228 on the scale again tomorrow. I have Zumba in the morning, so a loss will get me pumped up for that. I have done some exercise today, because of the snow, me and the boyfriend walked to the local supermarket because the roads were closed. I need to up my game though.
My hair turned out quite well, but I can't work the camera, so photos will have to wait.
Ah well, back to the constant anxiety over food and myself for the rest of the day then...
Ta-raa!
I feel disgusting though, I've drunk so much fizzy soda that I feel bloated and huge. It's because I said I would cut down yesterday - every time I say that my intake of it goes through the roof. I just feel huge and fat and wish I wasn't like this.
I'd be really happy to see 228 on the scale again tomorrow. I have Zumba in the morning, so a loss will get me pumped up for that. I have done some exercise today, because of the snow, me and the boyfriend walked to the local supermarket because the roads were closed. I need to up my game though.
My hair turned out quite well, but I can't work the camera, so photos will have to wait.
Ah well, back to the constant anxiety over food and myself for the rest of the day then...
Ta-raa!
Saturday, 4 February 2012
A bit of a hurdle and the way to get over it.
I didn't blog yesterday. I was too angry/upset/distracted/whatever. I should stop making excuses.
When I weighed in yesterday, I was 229.8 lbs, a gain of 0.6 lbs. I was like "What the - ??!" I hadn't binged, I had eaten everything I usually eat as part of my routine and I had done some exercise. I had to fight so hard yesterday to keep myself going. A binge was calling and sometimes it didn't feel like an if I binge, it almost made it to when I binge. But with the help of my very supportive boyfriend, I didn't satify those urges and when I woke up this morning, I had achieved 7 full days with out bingeing or purging.
So I weighed in today, and I am now 228.6 lbs, one pound away from having lost a stone. I can't see it though, I still think I look the same size. My face looks a little thinner though, so that's something to focus on. As long as I see the numbers going in the right direction, I will be happy. I wish the scale didn't judge my day.
I am hoping to dye my hair today with the help of my boyfriend. If it goes well, I'll post a pic.... If not... er well... I dunno!
When I weighed in yesterday, I was 229.8 lbs, a gain of 0.6 lbs. I was like "What the - ??!" I hadn't binged, I had eaten everything I usually eat as part of my routine and I had done some exercise. I had to fight so hard yesterday to keep myself going. A binge was calling and sometimes it didn't feel like an if I binge, it almost made it to when I binge. But with the help of my very supportive boyfriend, I didn't satify those urges and when I woke up this morning, I had achieved 7 full days with out bingeing or purging.
So I weighed in today, and I am now 228.6 lbs, one pound away from having lost a stone. I can't see it though, I still think I look the same size. My face looks a little thinner though, so that's something to focus on. As long as I see the numbers going in the right direction, I will be happy. I wish the scale didn't judge my day.
I am hoping to dye my hair today with the help of my boyfriend. If it goes well, I'll post a pic.... If not... er well... I dunno!
Thursday, 2 February 2012
Super happy
Oh wow, oh wow, oh wow. Finally, I have dropped into the 220's. I weighed in this morning at 229.2 lbs. Still fat, but less fat. I was so hungry going to bed last night that I nearly binged and it was freezing last night too. I think it dropped down to -2 degrees Celcius.
I woke up at about 6 am because I was way too cold. I sleep in a different bedroom to my boyfriend because a) he snores and b)he has to get up early, whereas I usually go to bed late. The problem is that the bedroom I sleep in has 3 outside walls. So, even with 2 duvets and 3 thick blankets, I was awake, shivering. Maybe that's how I lost that 0.8 of a pound? Luckily the heating had come on and my boyfriend has left so I snuck into his bedroom with a hot water bottle and tried to get back to sleep, which I did eventually. I've moved into the third bedroom, which has just one outside wall, hopefully that will be warmer tonight.
I had to go to the community mental health centre today for my depot injection. I take 300mg Zuclopenthixol Decanoate every 2 weeks as treatment for schizophrenia. I also take anti depressants and sleeping tablets, but I get them from the pharmacy. I really didn't want to go out and get it because I was so cold. I had the heaters in the car up to full whack.
Today I had my first experience with Shiritaki noodles. They are a little rubbery, but I could get used to them. I had them with soy sauce and has a low calorie jelly after. That snack filled me up quite nicely as I have to wait for the boyfriend to get home until I can have dinner. He is ordering a take-away tonight so I'm going to really have to control myself so that I don't binge. Tuna and peas for me!
I woke up at about 6 am because I was way too cold. I sleep in a different bedroom to my boyfriend because a) he snores and b)he has to get up early, whereas I usually go to bed late. The problem is that the bedroom I sleep in has 3 outside walls. So, even with 2 duvets and 3 thick blankets, I was awake, shivering. Maybe that's how I lost that 0.8 of a pound? Luckily the heating had come on and my boyfriend has left so I snuck into his bedroom with a hot water bottle and tried to get back to sleep, which I did eventually. I've moved into the third bedroom, which has just one outside wall, hopefully that will be warmer tonight.
I had to go to the community mental health centre today for my depot injection. I take 300mg Zuclopenthixol Decanoate every 2 weeks as treatment for schizophrenia. I also take anti depressants and sleeping tablets, but I get them from the pharmacy. I really didn't want to go out and get it because I was so cold. I had the heaters in the car up to full whack.
Today I had my first experience with Shiritaki noodles. They are a little rubbery, but I could get used to them. I had them with soy sauce and has a low calorie jelly after. That snack filled me up quite nicely as I have to wait for the boyfriend to get home until I can have dinner. He is ordering a take-away tonight so I'm going to really have to control myself so that I don't binge. Tuna and peas for me!
Wednesday, 1 February 2012
After the ED assessment
After my counselling session, well, I don't know really. The counsellor said it sounds like I have a bulimia-type disorder (he's an specialist in EDs), which I already sort of guessed. But he also said my eating patterns are fairly common and that I'm certainly not alone.
He said also what I had found in that the NHS mental health teams aren't that good with eating disorders (sorry if you've had a good experience and I'm making it sound shit, but that's how I feel about it at the moment).
We've agreed to have a full session next week and I've been given a food diary to complete. The best part is he said we can work on stopping the binge/purging but I can still carry on restricting so I don't have to give that up yet. He said we can look at trying to increase the calories more when I feel comfortable. He also said that the process could be painful emotionally and it won't be easy.
Bring it on, I guess....
He said also what I had found in that the NHS mental health teams aren't that good with eating disorders (sorry if you've had a good experience and I'm making it sound shit, but that's how I feel about it at the moment).
We've agreed to have a full session next week and I've been given a food diary to complete. The best part is he said we can work on stopping the binge/purging but I can still carry on restricting so I don't have to give that up yet. He said we can look at trying to increase the calories more when I feel comfortable. He also said that the process could be painful emotionally and it won't be easy.
Bring it on, I guess....
so pissed off right now :(
Okay, so I weighed myself this morning (having not 'gone' if you see what I mean any time yesterday). 230.0 Two-thirty-fucking-pounds. Exactly the same as yesterday. I was so desperate to drop into the 220's. I would have been happy with 0.1 loss but, No. Didn't get it. Bugger.
I did zumba this morning on an empty stomach after taking some diet pills, I'm hoping that will drop me into the 220's tomorrow.
Today at 2pm I have an appointment to have an eating disorder assessment with a trained specialist. It will be interesting to see what his view is of my problems. I'm not sure I want to totally recover, I'm not sure if I can. I need to be thin again but I don't want to do it by bingeing and purging, I just want to restrict.
It is soooo cold right now. It's about 0 degrees out, which is colder than it has been recently, but I think the drop in temperature will help me burn more calories at rest. Because I'm shivering and my teeth are chattering. I refuse to turn on the central heating.
Any way, I will blog later to chart how the assessment session goes.
I did zumba this morning on an empty stomach after taking some diet pills, I'm hoping that will drop me into the 220's tomorrow.
Today at 2pm I have an appointment to have an eating disorder assessment with a trained specialist. It will be interesting to see what his view is of my problems. I'm not sure I want to totally recover, I'm not sure if I can. I need to be thin again but I don't want to do it by bingeing and purging, I just want to restrict.
It is soooo cold right now. It's about 0 degrees out, which is colder than it has been recently, but I think the drop in temperature will help me burn more calories at rest. Because I'm shivering and my teeth are chattering. I refuse to turn on the central heating.
Any way, I will blog later to chart how the assessment session goes.
Tuesday, 31 January 2012
I'm making a hat :)
It's been a hard day... Well it was the first day that my boyfriend has been back at work after 3 days off. I get lonely indoors on my own and try and go out as much as I can so I'm not in the house as much. I haven't binged and I'm going to do some taekwondo later (1 hour and 30 minutes).
Weight: 230 lbs
So desperate to be in the 220's, so I'm hoping that tomorrow I will have lost 0.1 lb at least. If not I will go crazy. I don't care if I see 229.999999999999.... as long as I can! I've set a rule for myself not to try any of my new clothes (or old clothes) until I'm 224 or less.
I've got my eating disorders assessment tomorrow at 2pm. I don't know what to expect of that, I want help not to binge/purge but I still want to restrict and lose weight. I don't know if I can achieve both minimising the b/p'ing while still restricting and losing the weight.
I've started a new project that has kept me busy today, I'm knitting a hat. I'll post a picture of it when I have finished. It's from a pattern in the very first knitting magazine that I bought, and I always go back to it because it has my favourite patterns in it that I make over and over again.
Zumba at 9:30 am tomorrow - I'm not having breakfast before hand, I will have it after.
Weight: 230 lbs
So desperate to be in the 220's, so I'm hoping that tomorrow I will have lost 0.1 lb at least. If not I will go crazy. I don't care if I see 229.999999999999.... as long as I can! I've set a rule for myself not to try any of my new clothes (or old clothes) until I'm 224 or less.
I've got my eating disorders assessment tomorrow at 2pm. I don't know what to expect of that, I want help not to binge/purge but I still want to restrict and lose weight. I don't know if I can achieve both minimising the b/p'ing while still restricting and losing the weight.
I've started a new project that has kept me busy today, I'm knitting a hat. I'll post a picture of it when I have finished. It's from a pattern in the very first knitting magazine that I bought, and I always go back to it because it has my favourite patterns in it that I make over and over again.
Zumba at 9:30 am tomorrow - I'm not having breakfast before hand, I will have it after.
Monday, 30 January 2012
A trip to the doctors
I have just returned from seeing the nurse at the doctors' surgery. I've lost 2kg in 3 weeks, mind you I am as bloated as f#'#523k and have eaten lots of heavy stuff today. I've got another appointment in 4 weeks. My aim is to have lost a stone by then. So as I weighed in at 231 lbs today, that means 217 in four weeks' time
Zumba this morning was okay, I haven't made many friends there but there are some people who talk to me. And I wasn't the biggest person there, although I may have been the most uncoordinated. I'm going again on Wednesday, but it's at a different venue. Plus I have taekwondo tomorrow so hopefully the increase in exercise will boost my weight loss.
I'm supposed to be seeing an Occupational Therapist tomorrow morning for help with my binge/purging (not that I'm ready to stop purging, but I'm definitely ready to stop the binges), I have no idea what to expect from that. I have always been under the impression that OTs are there to assess whether old people being discharged from hospital are going to fall down the stairs or whatever. I'll post about it tomorrow.
I have the biggest craving for a Pepsi Max at the moment. I think I will have to go and get one. They've gone up in price from 1.40 to 1.65! That's 25p! Shocking. It will be snack time too soon. My plan is:
<300 cal breakfast
<150 cal lunch
<100 cal snack
<300 cal dinner
<100 cal snack
So every day I should be under 950 calories. In theory. I've been averaging 750 and that's where I'm comfortable, but I can go to an extra 200 if I can allow myself to.
Zumba this morning was okay, I haven't made many friends there but there are some people who talk to me. And I wasn't the biggest person there, although I may have been the most uncoordinated. I'm going again on Wednesday, but it's at a different venue. Plus I have taekwondo tomorrow so hopefully the increase in exercise will boost my weight loss.
I'm supposed to be seeing an Occupational Therapist tomorrow morning for help with my binge/purging (not that I'm ready to stop purging, but I'm definitely ready to stop the binges), I have no idea what to expect from that. I have always been under the impression that OTs are there to assess whether old people being discharged from hospital are going to fall down the stairs or whatever. I'll post about it tomorrow.
I have the biggest craving for a Pepsi Max at the moment. I think I will have to go and get one. They've gone up in price from 1.40 to 1.65! That's 25p! Shocking. It will be snack time too soon. My plan is:
<300 cal breakfast
<150 cal lunch
<100 cal snack
<300 cal dinner
<100 cal snack
So every day I should be under 950 calories. In theory. I've been averaging 750 and that's where I'm comfortable, but I can go to an extra 200 if I can allow myself to.
Sunday, 29 January 2012
Lost 5lbs overnight = WIN!
So, as the title suggests, I did lose 5 lbs overnight somehow. I didn't feel any different, I didn't do much differently. Heck, I didn't even exercise! But now I'm down to 232 point something or other. Yay! Cool beans.
My next goal I think will be to get into the 220's before the start of february. I hope I can make it. I went for a walk this morning just to the local supermarket with my boyfriend and I've got Zumba tomorrow morning.
No binges for one and a half days.
I'm fed up with the mental health team. They are convinced that I have Binge Eating Disorder, and anything I say that doesn't fit with that is unimportant. Like the fact that I purge. Or starve myself. Fuck them.
My next goal I think will be to get into the 220's before the start of february. I hope I can make it. I went for a walk this morning just to the local supermarket with my boyfriend and I've got Zumba tomorrow morning.
No binges for one and a half days.
I'm fed up with the mental health team. They are convinced that I have Binge Eating Disorder, and anything I say that doesn't fit with that is unimportant. Like the fact that I purge. Or starve myself. Fuck them.
Saturday, 28 January 2012
ED assessment
I just got a phone call from the eating disorder centre and they have offered me an assessment on wednesday. I'm not sure what to make of it at the moment, I know I want help but, I dunno....
I bought some foot scrub and moisturising cream so now my feet feel lovely.
And I plucked up the courage to weigh myself - 237.8lbs Fat fat fat
I went to the pet store to get some supplies for my rabbits. I LOVE the smell of the pet store, all the hay, sawdust, dog treats etc. I treated my rabbits to some new food bowls :)
I bought some foot scrub and moisturising cream so now my feet feel lovely.
And I plucked up the courage to weigh myself - 237.8lbs Fat fat fat
I went to the pet store to get some supplies for my rabbits. I LOVE the smell of the pet store, all the hay, sawdust, dog treats etc. I treated my rabbits to some new food bowls :)
oh dear
I've had a few days of bingeing and purging. I have no idea how much I weigh, I've probably gained way past the 241.6 lbs I was at the start. I'm scared to weigh myself. I don't want to weigh myself alone because I know that will trigger the hell out of me and I'll end up bingeing and then I really will be a fat disgusting hippo.
I'll weigh myself tomorrow morning after today of restricting. I feel a little calmer now I have my 24 calorie creme frache rather than the 55 calorie one. I've got my soups and my tuna. I have everything I need to lose weight. I will succeed.
I've contacted a private counsellor to help me overcome the bingeing and purging. The community mental health teams have failed me way too many times so I'm doing it myself.
I'll write more later if Ii feel better.
I'll weigh myself tomorrow morning after today of restricting. I feel a little calmer now I have my 24 calorie creme frache rather than the 55 calorie one. I've got my soups and my tuna. I have everything I need to lose weight. I will succeed.
I've contacted a private counsellor to help me overcome the bingeing and purging. The community mental health teams have failed me way too many times so I'm doing it myself.
I'll write more later if Ii feel better.
Wednesday, 25 January 2012
Lost a day somewhere
Hi all...
I don't remember posting yesterday, probably didn't but, meh!
Weight: 229 lbs
Weight loss so far: 12.6 lbs
Weight to go until next goal weight: 4 lbs
I am so, so hungry. I have eaten my breakfast - a bran pancake (as always, I'm so boring eating the same thing every day) and I'm STILL hungry! Why? I ate 260 calories! I had a low calorie jelly and a bottle of Pepsi Max. I have to stay strong here.
I'm seeing my psychologist today and I have no idea what I'm going to say to her or what I'm going to talk about. I mentioned my eating problems to my social worker last week and I know she discussed them with the psychologist, so it will probably come up.
I did taekwondo last night and one of my friends said it looked like I'd lost the 12lbs in a week. Majorly triggering - I love it.
I don't remember posting yesterday, probably didn't but, meh!
Weight: 229 lbs
Weight loss so far: 12.6 lbs
Weight to go until next goal weight: 4 lbs
I am so, so hungry. I have eaten my breakfast - a bran pancake (as always, I'm so boring eating the same thing every day) and I'm STILL hungry! Why? I ate 260 calories! I had a low calorie jelly and a bottle of Pepsi Max. I have to stay strong here.
I'm seeing my psychologist today and I have no idea what I'm going to say to her or what I'm going to talk about. I mentioned my eating problems to my social worker last week and I know she discussed them with the psychologist, so it will probably come up.
I did taekwondo last night and one of my friends said it looked like I'd lost the 12lbs in a week. Majorly triggering - I love it.
Monday, 23 January 2012
Zumba Zumba
I had Zumba today.. Last week it seemed like the class went quite quickly, but today it dragged on and felt like I was looking at the clock every five minutes. But at least I wasn't the biggest person there. Well, not the biggest stomach, maybe the biggest legs. The woman bigger than me had recently given birth so I guess that's her excuse. I'm just big. I don't have an excuse for that.
Weight: 231.6 lbs
Weight lost to date: 10 lbs
Weight to next goal weight: 1.6 lbs
I've managed to get my hands on some fibre powder from Holland and Barrett in town. On the pack it desn't look that deadly, it even says "take for gentle colon cleansing" but I've not planned anything for tomorrow just in case I explode :-/ sorry for the TMI...
Right now I'm surfing the web looking for some vitamins and stuff. www.myprotein.co.uk seems the best shot for me so far and I've ordered there before. I'm going to get the ELLE Thermopure (weight loss pill), ELLE Active Woman (a multivitamin, multimineral that also does skin, hair and nails) and finally the 5-HTP pill which is supposed to help with making you feel full earlier and making you happier. We'll see if it works when it gets here.
I still need to get on the rower or the stepper but I will do that when my boyfriend gets home from work. My plan is to put a TV show on or something and just row/step for an hour if I can, to make up for no exercise yesterday. I still lost weight even though I didn't exercise but I know I can lose more weight by doing more exercise.
Food today:
Breakfast - bran pancake (296 cals)
Lunch - veggie soup (105 cals)
Dinner - tuna, light mayo and peas (266 cals)
Snack - dunno yet but probably cottage cheese and cherry tomatoes
Maybe write more later... dunno...
Weight: 231.6 lbs
Weight lost to date: 10 lbs
Weight to next goal weight: 1.6 lbs
I've managed to get my hands on some fibre powder from Holland and Barrett in town. On the pack it desn't look that deadly, it even says "take for gentle colon cleansing" but I've not planned anything for tomorrow just in case I explode :-/ sorry for the TMI...
Right now I'm surfing the web looking for some vitamins and stuff. www.myprotein.co.uk seems the best shot for me so far and I've ordered there before. I'm going to get the ELLE Thermopure (weight loss pill), ELLE Active Woman (a multivitamin, multimineral that also does skin, hair and nails) and finally the 5-HTP pill which is supposed to help with making you feel full earlier and making you happier. We'll see if it works when it gets here.
I still need to get on the rower or the stepper but I will do that when my boyfriend gets home from work. My plan is to put a TV show on or something and just row/step for an hour if I can, to make up for no exercise yesterday. I still lost weight even though I didn't exercise but I know I can lose more weight by doing more exercise.
Food today:
Breakfast - bran pancake (296 cals)
Lunch - veggie soup (105 cals)
Dinner - tuna, light mayo and peas (266 cals)
Snack - dunno yet but probably cottage cheese and cherry tomatoes
Maybe write more later... dunno...
Sunday, 22 January 2012
Okay so really s#!t...
I said I would do yoga but it comes down to it and... well I haven't I can't face seeing my fat body when the models on the dvd are so slim.
I'm doing 1 hour of zumba tomorrow but I will do 1 hour on the stepper to make up for today.
F"$%£"%K
I'm doing 1 hour of zumba tomorrow but I will do 1 hour on the stepper to make up for today.
F"$%£"%K
Another day in the race...
Today is day four of back to restricting. I'm finding it ok, some urges to binge but they are being kept at bay by the thought of how repulsive I am.
I took my oldest pet rabbit to see my mum today (she lives in a flat and isn't supposed to have animals there). It made her day so that made me a little happier.
Weight: 233lbs - passed first goal weight (235)
Weight lost: 8.6 lbs
Weight to lose for next goal weight: 3 lbs
Today for my exercise goal I am planning on doing a 1 hour yoga DVD with my boyfriend. It's not very aerobic but it still gives a nice workout. I need to do more exercise on my rowing machine and side stepper, got some TV shows I recorded that I can work out in front of to pass the time and making the exercise less boring.
My activity for myself today will be to give myself a manicure, I have a habit of growing my nails so they look really pretty and then randomly just hating them and ripping them off. I don't know why I do it. One of my taekwondo friends is coming over today as well. I am going to plan to make my mum a cushion for Mothers' Day, so we are going to brainstorm on that one.
I won't be able to see my mum on Mothers' Day because I am going to the TAGB English National Championships in Telford. I am not fighting but I will be competing in the patterns section of the tournament.
We have finally booked a holiday together (me and my boyfriend that is), we couldn't really afford to go abroad so we've booked a week camping at a place called Sandy Balls in the New Forest. Nice place name!
I still feel rediculously horrible and ugly... Starting to think I may have a seriously distorted body image. But then again, probably not - I'm just fat. Big, hideous, huge, fat, ugly cow.
I took my oldest pet rabbit to see my mum today (she lives in a flat and isn't supposed to have animals there). It made her day so that made me a little happier.
Weight: 233lbs - passed first goal weight (235)
Weight lost: 8.6 lbs
Weight to lose for next goal weight: 3 lbs
Today for my exercise goal I am planning on doing a 1 hour yoga DVD with my boyfriend. It's not very aerobic but it still gives a nice workout. I need to do more exercise on my rowing machine and side stepper, got some TV shows I recorded that I can work out in front of to pass the time and making the exercise less boring.
My activity for myself today will be to give myself a manicure, I have a habit of growing my nails so they look really pretty and then randomly just hating them and ripping them off. I don't know why I do it. One of my taekwondo friends is coming over today as well. I am going to plan to make my mum a cushion for Mothers' Day, so we are going to brainstorm on that one.
I won't be able to see my mum on Mothers' Day because I am going to the TAGB English National Championships in Telford. I am not fighting but I will be competing in the patterns section of the tournament.
We have finally booked a holiday together (me and my boyfriend that is), we couldn't really afford to go abroad so we've booked a week camping at a place called Sandy Balls in the New Forest. Nice place name!
I still feel rediculously horrible and ugly... Starting to think I may have a seriously distorted body image. But then again, probably not - I'm just fat. Big, hideous, huge, fat, ugly cow.
Saturday, 21 January 2012
Not feeling good enough
Weight this morning: 235.4 lbs
Weight lost so far: 6.2 lbs
Weight to go to next goal weight: 0.4 lbs
Hello blog. How are you? Me? Not so great, thanks for asking. I tried to play squash for 40 minutes today with my boyfriend but it failed drastically. I hurt my hand in a taekwondo class last night (which was a really hard class fitness wise - so, so fat) and it hurt to grip my racket. There was also another pair playing on the other court and they were shouting lost and it sort of put me off. Not that it's hard to put me off, that is.
My vegetable soup is just cooking now. The smells that are coming from the kitchen are delicious. One big bowl of soup for under 100 calories. Lovely.
So far I've eaten my trusty pancake and I'm about to eat my soup, will post later or tomorrow to say if I stayed on track today.
I might do some yoga with my boyfriend later. It's just a DVD, not an actual class and we are a bit rubbish at it. It's the easiest DVD in the set but it gives a good stretching session if it's not that challenging fitness wise.
Talking of stretching, I managed to get my side kick in taekwondo last night to above my partner's head. She was on tip toes trying to push my leg up further. The instructor said I was very good and he could tell I've been practicing. My back fat got in the way though. I reckon when I've lost my 100 lbs that I may even attempt the splits.
Oh and I'm thinking of getting back into trampolining and snowboarding again...
TTFN, Allie
Weight lost so far: 6.2 lbs
Weight to go to next goal weight: 0.4 lbs
Hello blog. How are you? Me? Not so great, thanks for asking. I tried to play squash for 40 minutes today with my boyfriend but it failed drastically. I hurt my hand in a taekwondo class last night (which was a really hard class fitness wise - so, so fat) and it hurt to grip my racket. There was also another pair playing on the other court and they were shouting lost and it sort of put me off. Not that it's hard to put me off, that is.
My vegetable soup is just cooking now. The smells that are coming from the kitchen are delicious. One big bowl of soup for under 100 calories. Lovely.
So far I've eaten my trusty pancake and I'm about to eat my soup, will post later or tomorrow to say if I stayed on track today.
I might do some yoga with my boyfriend later. It's just a DVD, not an actual class and we are a bit rubbish at it. It's the easiest DVD in the set but it gives a good stretching session if it's not that challenging fitness wise.
Talking of stretching, I managed to get my side kick in taekwondo last night to above my partner's head. She was on tip toes trying to push my leg up further. The instructor said I was very good and he could tell I've been practicing. My back fat got in the way though. I reckon when I've lost my 100 lbs that I may even attempt the splits.
Oh and I'm thinking of getting back into trampolining and snowboarding again...
TTFN, Allie
Friday, 20 January 2012
Slightly Panicky
Okay, so I can't connect to PrettyThin for some reason. And it's hit me bad. I feel lost without it. I might try on my boyfriend's laptop and see if it's not just this computer.
I did half the "Buff Cardio" section of Davina Mcall's Body Buff DVD. It was so hard and I had a panic attack after about 7 minutes because all I could see and feel and think about was the disgusting flab wibble-wobbling all over my body. I felt so suffocated by it. I am hideous. Kept to under 900 for the day and that's what I plan to do today.
Weight: 238.2 lbs
Weight lost: 3.4 lbs
Weight loss needed for next goal weight: 3.2 lbs
Food:
Breakfast: Branflake Pancake
Lunch: Home made vegetable soup
Dinner: Tuna, peas and extra light mayo
Snack: 2 clementines
Exercise: My boyfriend said he would exercise with me today because he thinks it might help me stay calm while I do it. It will probably be a workout DVD. We are going to play squash together tomorrow as well so hopefully this weekend won't be so bad.
Activity: Yesterday I went to the local park to take some pictures. I took one of me and my boyrfriend thinks I look really pretty in it. I'm not so sure, but I'll share it anyway, along with another picture I took:
I did half the "Buff Cardio" section of Davina Mcall's Body Buff DVD. It was so hard and I had a panic attack after about 7 minutes because all I could see and feel and think about was the disgusting flab wibble-wobbling all over my body. I felt so suffocated by it. I am hideous. Kept to under 900 for the day and that's what I plan to do today.
Weight: 238.2 lbs
Weight lost: 3.4 lbs
Weight loss needed for next goal weight: 3.2 lbs
Food:
Breakfast: Branflake Pancake
Lunch: Home made vegetable soup
Dinner: Tuna, peas and extra light mayo
Snack: 2 clementines
Exercise: My boyfriend said he would exercise with me today because he thinks it might help me stay calm while I do it. It will probably be a workout DVD. We are going to play squash together tomorrow as well so hopefully this weekend won't be so bad.
Activity: Yesterday I went to the local park to take some pictures. I took one of me and my boyrfriend thinks I look really pretty in it. I'm not so sure, but I'll share it anyway, along with another picture I took:
Thursday, 19 January 2012
Okay, so let's rethink the figures
I have reached breaking point this week. I have never felt so low before and so out of control. I have been bingeing and purging so much it's really hurting me now. I was considering suicide. I still am.
But today I have to make a change. If I carry on like this, I will die - either from obesity or from my own actions. I got a new scale, I weigh 241.6 lbs now after 3 days of bingeing.
I am not going to binge today. It will be the hardest day ever. I have to do this alone, because no one takes my eating disorder seriously. I've had a panic attack today about my weight. It's killing me.
I have to do this.
Weight: 241.6 lbs Weight loss needed to first Goal Weight: 6.6 lbs
Food today: (as of 2:00 pm)
Bran pancake (269 cals)
Vegetable soup (110 cals)
I plan to have Tuna (150) and veg (80) for dinner
I plan to have 2 satsumas for a snack (80)
Activity to make myself feel good today: Bath, moisturise and hair treatments
Photography at a local park.
But today I have to make a change. If I carry on like this, I will die - either from obesity or from my own actions. I got a new scale, I weigh 241.6 lbs now after 3 days of bingeing.
I am not going to binge today. It will be the hardest day ever. I have to do this alone, because no one takes my eating disorder seriously. I've had a panic attack today about my weight. It's killing me.
I have to do this.
Weight: 241.6 lbs Weight loss needed to first Goal Weight: 6.6 lbs
Food today: (as of 2:00 pm)
Bran pancake (269 cals)
Vegetable soup (110 cals)
I plan to have Tuna (150) and veg (80) for dinner
I plan to have 2 satsumas for a snack (80)
Activity to make myself feel good today: Bath, moisturise and hair treatments
Photography at a local park.
Monday, 16 January 2012
"A journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step"
So here I am at the start of my "race". It's not really a race against anyone else, just against myself. I need to lose weight. I gained 84 lbs last year through being stuck in a binge eating cycle (aided of course by some dodgy medication). I want to lose 100 lbs this year. I have 2 choices:
1 - sit here, do nothing, just carry on ruining my life, my health and my looks. And
2 - Get up, eat less, move more and find the person who I really am.
Yeah, I'm going for option 2. I know it's going to be hard. It won't happen overnight, no matter how hopeful I am. I want to weigh 138lbs at the end of this year. (I'm 238 now). That's about 9-10lbs a month. I'm doing it by eating about 1000 calories a day and doing at least 2 and a half hours of exercise a day. I do my workouts at home and around where I live. I have a rowing machine, side stepper, weights, several workout DVDs and I go to taekwondo and dance classes.
Today (as I already said), I weighed in at 238 lbs.
Exercise: 1 hour Zumba, 30 minutes Davina Ultimate target bootcamp, 1 hour of yoga.
What I've eaten: 50g branflakes, 1 tbsp half fat creme fraiche, 3 egg whites, 1 tsp stevia.
200g mixed veg, 1 tsp chicken stock, chillies and pepper (as a soup)
handful of cherry tomatoes.
1 - sit here, do nothing, just carry on ruining my life, my health and my looks. And
2 - Get up, eat less, move more and find the person who I really am.
Yeah, I'm going for option 2. I know it's going to be hard. It won't happen overnight, no matter how hopeful I am. I want to weigh 138lbs at the end of this year. (I'm 238 now). That's about 9-10lbs a month. I'm doing it by eating about 1000 calories a day and doing at least 2 and a half hours of exercise a day. I do my workouts at home and around where I live. I have a rowing machine, side stepper, weights, several workout DVDs and I go to taekwondo and dance classes.
Today (as I already said), I weighed in at 238 lbs.
Exercise: 1 hour Zumba, 30 minutes Davina Ultimate target bootcamp, 1 hour of yoga.
What I've eaten: 50g branflakes, 1 tbsp half fat creme fraiche, 3 egg whites, 1 tsp stevia.
200g mixed veg, 1 tsp chicken stock, chillies and pepper (as a soup)
handful of cherry tomatoes.
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